21 January
I’m at Jessica’s leaving/engagement/30th birthday party at The Loft in Clapham.
Tears keep welling up when I talk to her. I’m going to miss her so much.
I invited my friend from work along too. A gorgeous black girl. I gave her the heads up that one of the guys there likes black girls.
As the night goes on she gets drunker and drunker, throwing herself at him. He noticed her when she got here and I knew he was tapping Jessica for the lowdown. He’s not interested now. I can tell. The harder she tries the further he is repelled. God, it’s so simple. She reminds me of me five years ago.
On the way home I tell her what Jessica had said.
He’ll fuck her but he really likes a French girl. He’s seeing another one as well. Naughty.’
‘I want his email address.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we got on.’
‘Just leave it. You’re better off out. You’ll get your fingers burned.’
‘Well, tell your sister if he wants to see me again… I’m interested.’
5 August (part 2)
I meet him at his place. I get butterflies all the way there. A good sign. The last time this happened was with The Greek though so I’d best watch out.
The flat is a little less tidy. Still very clean. Just random coins, paperwork, cards and trainers scattered about. Not the ‘show home’ I was originally privvy to. Hee hee. Jessica is right when she said they tidy up even if there is only a 1% chance you will go back there. As he did on our second date. He must now feel comfortable with me. Or just doesn’t need to impress any more. Ooh.
We go on for dinner. Everything is back on track. We are loving towards each other as if the dumping episode didn’t take place.
I tell him I’m going to The Big Chill festival at the weekend. He’s going to a charity football corporate event but is free on Friday or Sunday and wants to see me. I like him. I’m pretty sure he likes me.
‘I’m not drinking… no caffeine,’ I tell him as we order drinks.
‘Are you still on no carbs.’
‘Yes.’
‘Just in the evening though.’
‘Yes. I’m doing low GI.’
‘What is the benefit?’
I’m not entirely sure. ‘It balances your blood sugar so there are no ups and downs in your energy… no cravings.’
‘Do you binge?’ Where the f*** did that come from?
‘My trainer advocates it. Did you know that watermelon is high GI?’
‘I get that. Full of sugar.’
‘An almond croissant is low.’
‘No way!’
I order the tuna nicoise. He has chicken and chips.
‘That’s why I have a stomach,’ he says. He doesn’t.
‘Did your mum say you’ve lost weight?’ I ask. His mum, apparently, always wants to feed him up.
‘Not this time. It’s either “You need to cut out the fried breakfasts” or “You’ve lost weight”‘.
‘Exactly the same in my family. My mum wants me to put on weight.’
‘Why?’ I just knew it. Men do like thin girls.
I tell him I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow for tests. I’m convinced I have a terminal illness.
‘Let me know how it goes.’
On the way home we pick up a DVD.
‘I saw The Hangover,’ I tell him.
‘What did you think?’
‘It was brilliant.’
‘I saw Bruno.’
‘Yeah. With me.’
Is he seeing other girls? Or is this just man memory in play?
We watch the DVD in bed. Are we… a couple?
We have lovely sex. I’ve got him all wrong. He’s not selfish at all.
‘You’re wearing me out. Did I get anywhere near your spot?’
‘Yes.’
‘God, I’m so unfit.’
Right! That’s what this has all been about. He has been trying to satisfy me after all and is exasperated. With himself. I think we have even more in common than I originally thought.
He cuddles me all night. He has a lovely body. I feel comfortable and safe.
I’m glad I gave him a chance. Blaming me for being hot in bed, not telling him if he’s nearly hitting the spot. Thinking he is overweight and unfit. He doesn’t think he is up to scratch. With my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist we ascertain my rule is if I am straightforward he will have the upper hand and be able to manipulate me. The alternative is we will both know where we stand. Let’s go for this option.
5 August (part 1)
‘Hi baby! Sorry i havent got round to calling you yet its just i have not stopped at work. You still up for dinner? Can we do clapham though as desperate to get out of these shoes! In pain here! Ha ha. X’
‘Hi baby yes of course. What time shall i meet you?xx’
‘Shall we say 7ish? X’
‘Sure see you then.x’
This rewarding for good behaviour just may be paying off.
1 July (part 2)
I have a boyfriend! He’s really nice. He did text to confirm so I met him at Clapham North. It’s a lovely part of town. We had drinks, dinner then went back to his place. He has a lovely pad. We had a ‘canoodle’ but nothing ‘rude’. He wanted me to stay but didn’t push it. ‘I’m a gentleman’ he said. He has tattoos. It really goes against the grain. He is well spoken, professional. He’d love it if I got one too. They’re on his arms. His beautiful, muscly arms. His whole body is great. And he’s so good looking. I just know he likes me. Well, I think he does.
‘I can’t believe this. You’re sooo nice. I’m going to recommend it to all my friends,’ he said on internet dating.
‘You’ll have to stay here,’ on me possibly going back to work in Islington to ease my commute.
‘I really don’t want you to go,’ on me renting out my flat and going travelling.
‘You’re lovely,’ on, well, me.
‘You’re gorgeous,’ on me again.
‘You’ll have to stay here,’ on me complaining about the ridiculously long commute if I go back to work at that agency in Islington.
‘I call people “hun” or “babe” so I don’t get anyone’s name wrong,’ on me telling him I spotted a woman who interviewed me but hid because I couldn’t remember her name. Those alarm bells are ringing again.
We’re going out again on Saturday. I’m torn. I want to have sex with him. But know it’s too soon. Then again I’m supposed to be trying to not be lead so much by rules. I’m going to get my bikini line sorted. Just in case.
1 July (part 1)
Remix. I think Jewish is actually a bastard.
‘Morning baby! I have taken the pm off today and so will be able to relax for later. We can still meet in w end if you like or we can do clapham or near yours. I have a few things to do but can meet you about 5ish? What do you think? X’
I think you are manouvering for a shag. And I thought you were a nice boy.
‘Nice! Am showing someone flat at four so can in parsons green at five or prob later if clapham.’
He should come to Fulham. He should make the effort. He should act like a gentleman. Let’s see what he comes back with.
‘Really? Wow! What if they like it? Well shall we do clapham around 6ish? There are loads of places here to eat. X’
Great. So he’s lazy. Plus side. I may get to see the pad. I promise not to shag him. And he is agitated at the prospect of me leaving the country.
‘Ok what station?’
‘Clapham north or clapham common whichever easier. X’
Same as The Lawyer. Note he is still signing off with a big kiss despite my no kisses stand. I’m not going to reply.
‘Baby! Running slightly late, can we make it 7ish? X’
Unbelievable! I am livid. Wants me to go over to him and now is moving my slot around again. I call Jessica. I don’t want to do anything I’m going to regret. She doesn’t pick up. F*** it. She has told me to be myself. And I am princessy. He’ll totally get it being a Jew and all.
‘Lets resched when more convenient’
Now f*** off and find someone else to screw.
‘No don’t be silly, I will be done by 6 just wanted a few mins to have a shower. I will get a move on and get back earlier. X’
That is the best response ever. He knows how to handle me. Totally difused. I’m now smiling. He is a nice guy after all. I’m so glad I made a stand though. It’s always best to set a precedent right from the beginning. I think this could work! I’m not going to reply. He’s going to have to send me another text to confirm. And if he doesn’t…
About
‘When I grow up I’m going to marry a prince, Granny.’
Fast forward 27 years. I’m a hot, successful, kind and affectionate, officially ‘grown up’ girl-about-town. Still in search of The One. It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m in bed. Alone. Tanked up on Valium.
The quest has been active now for the best part of 20 years. I know he’s out there. I just need to find out where and how to find him. Things have got to change.
This is going to be my year. I just know it. So I have decided to document my experiences to amuse more than anything else. In so doing, the creative process may provide some kind of personal enlightenment and help face my demons too. And who knows. The journey may lead me to my prince. And where the chronicles begin.
