21 January
I’m at Jessica’s leaving/engagement/30th birthday party at The Loft in Clapham.
Tears keep welling up when I talk to her. I’m going to miss her so much.
I invited my friend from work along too. A gorgeous black girl. I gave her the heads up that one of the guys there likes black girls.
As the night goes on she gets drunker and drunker, throwing herself at him. He noticed her when she got here and I knew he was tapping Jessica for the lowdown. He’s not interested now. I can tell. The harder she tries the further he is repelled. God, it’s so simple. She reminds me of me five years ago.
On the way home I tell her what Jessica had said.
He’ll fuck her but he really likes a French girl. He’s seeing another one as well. Naughty.’
‘I want his email address.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we got on.’
‘Just leave it. You’re better off out. You’ll get your fingers burned.’
‘Well, tell your sister if he wants to see me again… I’m interested.’
14 June (part 2)
‘Happy Birthday Rebecca. Have a wonderful day & a wonderful year ahead. Raj. Ps: sorry for not calling last night, the gym & badmington knocked me out so was out for the count by 8pm no probs, let’s chat about meeting up during the week once you know your plans (Have to give you your b’day present. Picked u up sumink yest)anyway, take care, have a great day & I’ll try you tonight.’
Sent with a picture of a rose. Someone loves me.
14 June (part 1)
Not a good day. I open the birthday card from my dad and start to cry. The usual card, cheque, present combi is missing an element: the present. The final stretch of his weaning off me that began on my eighteenth birthday (the last time I saw him) has started.
I don’t think I can do another year of this.
About
‘When I grow up I’m going to marry a prince, Granny.’
Fast forward 27 years. I’m a hot, successful, kind and affectionate, officially ‘grown up’ girl-about-town. Still in search of The One. It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m in bed. Alone. Tanked up on Valium.
The quest has been active now for the best part of 20 years. I know he’s out there. I just need to find out where and how to find him. Things have got to change.
This is going to be my year. I just know it. So I have decided to document my experiences to amuse more than anything else. In so doing, the creative process may provide some kind of personal enlightenment and help face my demons too. And who knows. The journey may lead me to my prince. And where the chronicles begin.
